we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
So here I am, sexting at work.
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