If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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