I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
