if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
