you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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