i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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