Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
