guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
