its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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