sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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