woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
