I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
