So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
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