last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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