Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
