the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize