You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
