I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
