i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
