i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize