literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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