...so i touched it.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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