Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
