My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
