I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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