Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
