today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
