Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he shaved USA in his pubs
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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