Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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