i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
