if i can run in heels then i can drive
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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