He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
