so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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