a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
