Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
