Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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