life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
where are my eyebrows?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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