I smell stomach acid.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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