I think I won the penis lottery.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
