Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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