on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
there was a trapeze. enough said
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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