can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
