I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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