Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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