are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
