He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize