If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
