people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
