omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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