I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
