i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
