somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
