sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Too much gin, very little bucket
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize