hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
That accounts for only three of the penises
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
