Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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