did you get engaged???
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize