your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize