just come out here and I will go home with you...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
