Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
