Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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