I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
