i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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