I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
