i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
