I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
